Note: If you’re looking for the quickest way for me to tune you out, say one of the following two sentences: “hey I had this weird dream last night, let me tell you about it” or “I was sick last week, let me tell you all about it.” In that spirit, here’s a post about my recent bout of Covid19 and all the fun shit that came with that INCLUDING DREAMS. This isn’t one of my better or more fun pieces, so not going to spend too much editing it like I normally do. But it was kind of fun for me to get this all out. Anywho… glad to be healthy again.
Has it been 15 minutes yet?
No, not yet.
Think we can make it 15 minutes without looking at the Covid19 rapid test? Let’s take a peek! The suspense is going to drive me nuts.
Just breathe, man. This anxiety isn’t good for us. And after the week of illness we just had, let’s just Zen out for 15 minutes as we await the results of this rapid test. If it’s positive, you’re already feeling fine, and some people stay positive for weeks on end. If it’s negative, we can re-enter the world.
How much time has passed?
Barely 15 seconds. Let’s do some reflection.
You know what your test avoidance stuff reminds me of? How you watch sports these days.
More like how I don’t watch sports these days.
Correct. You go up into your room and watch stuff on Netflix to distract you from the stresses of sporting events you’re too emotionally involved in.
Yeah, maybe. But with this test, I really do just want to reflect on things for a bit. Being sick always makes me contemplative on things.
Yeah, although I’m your anxious brain, I kind of agree. But before I speak my piece, I want you to speak yours.
Even though I don’t like being sick…
Who does?
Maybe that shit rap metal band from the early 2000s what was their name??? The one that did that “Down with the Sickness” song.
Distressed?
DISTURBED. And yes, that song blows massive chunks, but it is kind of catchy in that 2001 Vans Warped Tour kind of way. And I think that song was more about self-loathing than an actual virus causing illness. But the point still stands.
Well, if there’s one thing your body did this week, it’s get up, come on get down with the sickness.
OH WAH AH AH AH It’s such a good shorthand, isn’t it? That line? You say that line and everyone knows exactly what the fuck you’re talking about. But as I was saying, even though I don’t like being sick, there is a part of me that really kind of … lowkey loves it?
This take is so hot it’s running a temp.
Okay, yeah. No one likes being sick but every time I’ve gotten sick in a way that’s truly made me horizontal for a few days, I kind of appreciate my body more than I did before I was sick. And not just my body, but our collective bodies.
I think I know what you’re getting at but go on.
*thinks for a few seconds* I love how our bodies don’t give a flying fuck about what’s going on in our lives or what kind of internal or external pressures we have or don’t have, when it’s our time to get sick, we get sick. Sickness comes for us all. Have a massive deadline coming up? Sickness comes for us all. You’re on vacation and having the time of your life? Sickness comes for us all. Your coworker is out on vacation, and you needed this week to really get better at your job by doing someone else’s? Sickness comes for us all.
That last one is true.
Sure, as shit is. I had this week circled for months and was really looking forward to both stepping up and pulling extra weight, as well as getting better at my job by learning more about someone else’s. And I had to go and catch Covid19.
Again.
Yep, again. Luckily I work with total badasses. But yeah, this bout of Covid19 sucked balls, dude.
And this time much much MUCH worse than the last. By the way, how much time on the timer?
We’re barely 3 minutes into this. But yeah, I’ve always kind of loved how our bodies periodically force us to shut it all down for a bit. No, it’s not fun being sick and feeling all achy and sweating through your sheets, but there is something kind of chilled out about having the choice of “work or not work” taken away from you. “You’re sick now, go shut it all down. Watch some ‘The Price is Right’ and eat some Campbell’s Soup.”
Yeah, as the anxious side of your brain, I get that. That’s kind of beautiful. We also get a break from our daily anxieties. Work is one thing. But not having to go through a day worried about this thing or that thing? We only really have to focus on one thing. It’s kind of nice. And even though being sick brings on new and sometimes surreal anxieties, it is nice to have a break from the day-to-day anxieties we normally deal with.
Yeah, sickness anxieties are kind of weird, aren’t they?
Yeah, man, totally. Like… what even are fever dreams? We’ve definitely had surreal fever dreams before, especially as a kid, but most of our fever dreams now are more about banal vividness than surreal abstractness. Fever dreams for us now are more about hyper-fixating on something mundane and really just feeling the intensity of that hyper-fixation in the dream state than it is some kind of Frank Zappa song come to life.
Yeah, that’s probably the worst part of being sick. I can stand achiness all day. I can cough all day and all night. Those are physical trials and tribulations. But fever dreams are mind games that you can’t really escape from.
Yeah… The fever dream thing is truly nightmarish now. I wish we could have fun ones but now it’s us hyper fixating on a phrase and just repeating it over and over again in our sleep. Or sometimes it’s a dream state about walking in the park and focusing on each step we’re putting down. Over. And over. And over again. I’d almost prefer a surreal dream where we’re bicycling upside down as birds walk on their feet instead of flying, instead of the maddening fever dreams we have now.
But lowkey, it’s always so weird when we finally wake up from those dreams in a pool of our own sweat. Luckily this bout of Covid didn’t have too much of that, but we’ve woken up in a bed completely drenched in sweat before. And that “sick sweat” is so much worse than normal sweat. I can’t explain why, but it just is.
Yeah. It has that smell, right?
Yesss! What is that smell? The sickness smell?
I don’t know, but on top of that, sometimes you’re in bed sick for days and have sweat after sweat after sweat stacked together like a sandwich. You move to one side of the bed to let the other side dry, rinse and repeat. …for days.
Yeah, it’s why I always contemplate burning my sick sheets instead of washing them. Seems like a better strategy.
But do you know what the most horrifyingly Zen part of being sick is? It’s that notion that you kind of turn into a living apparition in your own house.
Yeah, I totally know what you mean. You’re sick and sequestered away. But life kind of continues on both in and out of your house without you. You hear the neighbors go about their normal days like usual. You hear ppl mowing yards and talking across the street, sure. But in your house? You kind of get a sense of what your family’s life would be like if you weren’t there anymore.
Yeah… you hear what your kids would be like if you weren’t there in their lives. You listen to your spouse solo parent your kids. It’s kind of…
It’s a little eerie.
Yeah, it’s a little eerie, but there is kind of a Zen-like quality to that, too. Again, I’m your anxious brain. So, it’s taking me a lot to say all this. But every time we’re sick, we relearn the idea that life goes on both within us and without us. And while that’s a sad thought, it’s also kind of a peaceful thought. It’s nice to visit that headspace from time to time when we’re sick.
Yeah, I dig that. But if I may take the anxious argument down a different path for a bit.
OH YES PLEASE DO!
Every time we’re sick, we also relearn a fundamental truth about humanity itself. There really are two kinds of people out there. There are people who think they are THE hero of the story and that nothing bad can ever happen to them. Not just a hero of their own story but of the story being played out around us. And then there are other people who think they are just one of several. These are people who view themselves as just part of the tapestry of society itself.
*nods* I already know what you’re getting at but go on.
I think people in the former camp go through every illness thinking “of course everything is going to be fine. I’m THE hero of this story.” And then they get better and all of their prior convictions are shown to be true and factual.
GO ONNNNNN!
But then the rest of us… every time we’re sick, no matter how big or small an illness it is, we think “well, maybe this is it. Maybe this is the one that gets us.” That’s where we normally are. Look, thousands upon thousands upon thousands of people die from Covid19 and the flu every year. No one who dies from these illnesses thinks they’re going to die from these illnesses when they begin their illness. So, every time we get sick, I always have that “well, why not me? What makes me so special that I’ll just up and survive this bout of Covid19 when it’s already killed a million+ people in this country?” That’s a hard feeling to get out of your bones while you’re sick.
WHICH IS WHY I’M SO ANXIOUS FOR THIS DAMN NEGATIVE TEST, DUDE!
Almost there…
FUCK JUST CHECK ALREADY!
No. But soon. But that’s ultimately what I’m talking about. The Zen of being sick is a Zen painted with humility and gratefulness. By being an apparition in your own house, you know that life will continue on without you. You experience it firsthand. And as you start to feel better after an illness, you stand in awe and reverence for your own body and its resilience. That “why not me” melancholy you were feeling gives way to gratitude that it’s not you and that your body did what it’s supposed to do. And while we haven’t been there, I have a feeling that people who ultimately pass from these illnesses perhaps have a similar sense of humility as they learn or reaffirm the truth of that question you asked above; we’re all just a part of a tapestry. You were the hero of your story and your story alone, but the larger story being told will be told with or without you in it.
You’d think that kind of heaviness would bum me out but I’m feeling as relaxed as I’ve felt in quite some time.
Truly. It’s hard to really explain. We survived Covid19. …again. We’re vaccinated many times over. We’re generally healthy people who like to eat healthy foods and go for long walks. Our body did what it was supposed to do. I feel good about that. By the way… it’s been 15 minutes. Covid negative.
*long relaxing sigh*
Let’s go hug the kiddos for the first time in a week.
Let’s.
An open and shut book 
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