My daughter Chloe was born to two parents struggling to make ends meet. Anne was a grad student going for her master’s degree, and I was only recently hired at the University of Texas, making a salary that only really covered the basics, but usually, barely even that. The apartment we lived in at the time wasn’t the most well-lit of spaces, so when I’d carry her from one space to another, Chloe would open her eyes big and wide to try and capture all the light she could. I used to call it “Big Eyes.” …just two perfectly round spheres opening wide, unblinking for preciously long stretches of time.
On one such occasion, I was carrying her into the kitchen with the back of her head fitting perfectly into the palm of my hand. I noticed that she was doing Big Eyes and I just got stuck in the tractor beam of her gaze and couldn’t look away from her dark blue eyes. They were oceans and I was swimming in those deep waters. It was a pretty intense moment that I can easily recall, especially when I see her inadvertently do Big Eyes now, even as a salty 15-year-old teen.
In that moment, my brain, as it often does, went straight to pop culture and I started gently singing Guns N Roses’ “Sweet Child O’ Mine” as I carried her through the apartment. “She’s got eyes of the bluest skies as if they thought of rain. I’d hate to look into those eyes and see an ounce of pain.” I went on but like a lot of songs we choose for people, not all the lyrics fit. Axl Rose wrote that for a romantic love interest, not for a daughter or family member. So where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go? I’ll tell you where, just with the parts of the song that fit for singing to your daughter.
I was thinking about that song recently when Joe Cocker’s version of “You Are So Beautiful” came on a Spotify playlist I was listening to. That’s the song my mom used to sing to my siblings and me when we were younger (and sometimes presently, on occasion). Unlike “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” every line of “You Are So Beautiful” works perfectly as a song between mothers and children.
Joe Cocker’s version of “You Are So Beautiful” is a relatively simple and scaled back version of a song recorded at a pretty interesting time in both pop culture and world history. The 60s were over. The Beatles were broken up and sniping at each other. The Vietnam War was winding down to a tragic conclusion, while Nixon’s administration was kind of doing the same. But equally as important, children of the late 50s and 60s were starting to have children themselves. It makes sense that a dude who gave one of the most iconic performances at Woodstock would go on to record one of the quintessential “things are a lot more chill now” songs of the 70s. And it makes sense that a woman who used to destroy her eardrums to the sounds of the Beatles and the Stones coming through her headphones would now be listening to that very song as she and my dad built a family in Houston, Texas.
I’ve been wanting to write about my mom but every time I’ve tried, I’ve gotten stuck. It’s not always easy to write about things you love unquestioningly and unironically. I remember when I used to write movie reviews, it was always easier to write movie reviews for movies you hated or were indifferent to. It’s easy to find the faults in things. It’s easy to list them out one-by-one and to just lay into them. But a masterpiece? Those reviews were always boring to write and even more boring to read.
So, when I think about how I want to write about my mom, I’m faced with a similar dilemma. How do I begin to write about a person who personifies unconditional love? How do I write about a person who literally knows no distance too great to travel to see her kids? How do I write about a person who is my biggest fan and is constantly making time to know how proud of me she is? How do I write about a person who loves me and my brother so much that she made the completely selfless (and brave) choice to send us to live with our dad when we were struggling, which was 100% the right choice to have been made? How do I write about a person who often puts herself second so that others are given space and opportunity to flourish? How do I write about the person who has been a light to me, no matter how bright or dark the day? It’s not easy.
My mom is not without fault. Like everyone, she has several. But I’m a big “intentions” person. If I sense your intentions are sound and are good, I can look beyond a lot of “faults.” And with my mom, I see nothing but good intentions. I see a person whose heart is constantly in the right place.
So, when I think about how to write about my mom, I guess I should just come back to “You Are So Beautiful.” Many people don’t know this, but Joe Cocker’s version of the song is actually a cover version of a song Billy Preston wrote about his mother. My mom had it right all along.
I spend a lot of time thinking and talking about death and the afterlife and all that metaphysical stuff awaiting us when this life is over. I don’t know where I really stand on what happens to us when we die. I like to think that we have souls and that we’re spiritual beings living a human/physical experience, but the truth is I just don’t know. But it does stand to reason that if there is something after this, then there was certainly something before this, too.
So, to go back to “You Are So Beautiful,” mom; you are so beautiful. I hope you see that. Whatever cosmic dance happens both before and after we live, I’m glad my soul found yours and yours mine. You’re everything I hoped for a mom to be. Thank you for always being there and for having the right things to say. Thanks for being everything I needed.
An open and shut book 
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