15. Slogans for Things

Note: Over the 2022 Christmas Break, I purchased two “Creative Writing Journals” which contain hundreds of creative writing prompts. It’s often hard to come up with stuff to write, so going to dip into these when I want to dabble in a little jackassery. The book says I should do these “while high,” but since I don’t smoke anymore, gonna see if I can channel my inner stoner by going full “first(ish) thought that pops in my head.” We’ll see what happens…

In this prompt, I’m a pitchman and am supposed to come up with slogans or pitches for the following items: Machete, Lettuce, Luggage Tags, Purple Carrots, Unicycles, Dry Ice, Toast, Kazoos, Drink Umbrellas, Fish, Trees, Spiders, Pebbles, and Clouds

Machete: You’re either murdering someone or going full Vietnam War on your backyard brush, so which is it, bro?

Lettuce: Statistically speaking, we’re more likely to give you the liquishits than any meat you could eat. Enjoy!

Luggage Tags: Kind of like a college degree; ultimately unnecessary but when you need to use it you’ll be glad you have it.

Purple Carrots: Grown with bushy control at Parsley Park.

Unicycles: Because every town needs that guy… Kilt sold separately.

Dry Ice: You’ll need more than you’re willing to spend to turn your yard into a spooky Halloween graveyard, but at least the candy bowl will look dope.

Toast: Bread. Heat. Butter. Cinnamon. If I need to say more, you’ve never been so hiiiiiigh you thought Star Wars was a documentary.

Kazoos: They’re waaaaaaaaacky. They’re fuuuuuuuuuuuun. They’re zaaaaaaaany.

*if you’re 6 years old and only 6 years old*

Drink Umbrellas: Well, are you a 46 year old woman on vacation in Hawaii or aren’t you?

Fish: Hey Kurt Cobain, suck my big fat fish dick.

Trees: If someone said trees provided free WiFi, there’d be so many trees planted the entire earth would be green. Too bad all we provide is the literal air you breathe. (note: I stole this one)

Spiders: Nothing we enjoy more than watching your souls leave your bodies for a few seconds when your face hits our webs. It gives us life.

Pebbles: Geological Glitter.

Clouds: Either the edibles have just kicked in or… weren’t we just a puddle on the ground? Oh wowwwwwwwwwwwwwww…

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If you want to do your own:

Machete
Lettuce
Luggage Tags
Purple Carrots
Unicycles
Dry Ice
Toast
Kazoos
Drink Umbrellas
Fish, Trees
Spiders
Pebbles
Clouds