12. This was supposed to be a post about cats and dogs

Y’all… Where to even begin? Feeling a little blue tonight so buckle up.

This was supposed to be a post about “Cats and Dogs” to kick off “Cats and Dogs” month but I’m just not feeling the “12 Themes 12 Months” thing right now and suspect I need to shift to a different writing strategy. Choosing a different theme every month was meant to provide a little structure for myself and meant to give me writing ideas from which to jump off from, but structures can start to feel prisons if you’re not careful and this feels like it’s headed that way. As I sit here thinking about a month of writing about any specific theme, this “12 Themes 12 Months” idea is starting to feel less like a fun idea and more like homework or an assignment for a class. I hate that. I write my best stuff when I’m feeling inspired or when something is rattling around my head in such a way that I have to get it out. Or more specifically, I enjoy writing the most when I’m feeling inspired; quality is TBD.

So I’m going to OMAHA OMAHA OMAHA audible this up at the line of scrimmage and change the plan. I don’t need structure. I have so much shit circling around in my brain at any given moment (in an annoying ADHD kind of way), that I need to just write to whatever and wherever the muses take me. Oh the fickle muses…

This all feels so embarrassing and like a failed experiment, which kind of bums me out. It’s really rough. I do ultimately only write for one person; me, but when I go and hit “Publish” on the post, it’s set to go out to everyone, not just me. This isn’t a diary I keep on my bedside table. Part of the struggle is it’s sometimes hard, especially in this setting, to put yourself out there for all of the world to see. I have these ideas that sound cool at the jump, quckly fizzle out after a shockingly short period of time, and then I start entering into a self-doubt spin cycle. “Maybe I should just make this private,” I say to myself, as I know 100% I won’t. “Maybe I should stop being such an open book to everyone about everything,” says the guy who literally can’t shut the fuck up about anything.

I sometimes laugh at Anne when she has 50 tabs open in her internet browser, but truth be told, that’s ultimately what my brain feels like at all times. Like… I feel like it’s just cycling between one stupid thing after another. It’s pop-culture one second, it’s politics the next, then it goes to family, then to pets, then to sex, then to sports, then to etc etc etc etc. That’s all day, every day. I think my brain being so loaded with so. much. shit. is one of the reasons why clutter on the outside of my world can feel so chaotic and depressing. I need peace somewhere.

Most of the time, I kind of enjoy that aspect of my brain. I don’t want to pull a Biden here, but I really mean it, folks. Most of the time, I actually really do enjoy that side of my brain. It’s one of the reasons why I think I’m a good conversationalist. I can jump from talking about one big topic to the next at the drop of a hat. The topic you want to talk about is already open and ready to go in my brain, all it needs is your prompt. It’s also why I’m pretty good at stupid shit like puns or combining random shit together in clever ways that make my friends laugh.

But sometimes, especially when I’m feeling a little blue or overwhelmed or whatever, that can all be so fucking exhausting. I wish I could shut it off. I really, really do. I don’t mean that in any kind of dark way (this isn’t that), but damn I just want silence sometimes.

All this to say… I’m changing strategies here. To Hell with structure. There’s a great moment in Batman Begins when Alfred asks Bruce “why bats, Master Wayne?” Bruce answers, “Bats frighten me. It’s time my enemies share my dread.” You all aren’t my enemies. My stupid brain is. Come on in, the tabs are open.