Author’s note: The past few posts of mine have been a bit on the hard and heavy side. I guess I had some stuff to say. Thousands and thousands of words of “stuff.” That’s all good and well, I suppose, but with that comes a bit of an emotional hangover. So, I’m going to try and decompress a bit by writing something either incredibly simple or incredibly dumb (or both). Here we are. Welcome! Hope you’re having a good day. With this post, I have four goals; write about something interesting, keep it light, not obsess over what I’m writing (aka free-flowing and not a ton of editing and re-editing and editing the edited) and keep it under 4,000 words. Cool? Cool. Let’s get to it!
I was browsing YouTube the other day when I stumbled upon a podcast series called “Rushmore on X.” In it, prominent artists, politicians, entertainers, and athletes (among others) give their “Mount Rushmore” (basically a top 4) picks for various topics. The video that prompted me to click on it was one in which famed record producer Rick Rubin gave his “Mount Rushmore of bands.” I also watched one in which Shaquille O’Neal gave his “Mount Rushmore of NBA Power Forwards.”
It’s a super fun series, though. Debating sports and pop-culture stuff is what I’d do 24/7 if I didn’t require work, sleep, food, and dropping deuces. But the series did hit on a weird pet peeve of mine about “Mount Rushmore” and how we rank things using the Mount Rushmore template. Before we get too far, if you’re curious, for Rubin’s “Mount Rushmore Bands”: Beatles, the Ramones, James Brown, and Kraftwerk. For Shaq’s “Mount Rushmore Power Forwards”: Tim Duncan, Karl Malone (gross!), Charles Barkley, and Kevin Garnett.
But yeah, with all due respect, they’re doing Mount Rushmore stuff wrong. *points to the computer screen accusatively* With all due respect, you’re doing Mount Rushmore wrong. Everyone, me included, is doing Mount Rushmore rankings wrong. WE’RE DOING IT WRONG! …again, with all due respect.
Quick reminder for those who didn’t do so hot in your social studies classes way back when (or has since brain dumped everything while living under a rock); Mount Rushmore yada yada yada world-famous sculpture of four United States presidents yada yada yada carved into the Black Hills of South Dakota on land stolen from the Sioux peoples yada yada yada as you’re looking at it from left to right George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, and Abraham Lincoln.
Mount Rushmore was never meant to represent the four greatest US presidents, even though each of the presidents up there could make a legitimate case as such. So, when people do their “Mount Rushmore” rankings in the spirit of the “four greatest” (or four GOATs *peace sign to Gen Z*), they are, with all due respect, “doing it wrong.”
*pulls up a chair and sits on the chair backwards like a “cool professor”* The Mount Rushmore presidents were chosen to represent birth (George Washington), expansion (Thomas Jefferson), development (Theodore Roosevelt), and preservation (Abraham Lincoln). Again, for those that need a quick history refresher, George Washington was one of the founding fathers. Thomas Jefferson doubled the size of the country by way of the Louisiana Purchase. Theodore Roosevelt helped develop our national identity by way of both expansive conservation and mass industrialization. And, of course, Lincoln preserved our country as one united entity through the waging of the Civil War. There will be a quiz later.
Look, I’m of two minds on the Mount Rushmore thing we all do. If someone asks me my “Mount Rushmore of xyz thing,” I’m going to give that person exactly what they’re asking for. I’ll grit my teeth while doing it, but I’m not a stickler to the point that I’m going to derail a conversation with my brakes. I also have a phobia of being “that guy” and try to avoid that at all costs.
But because I love amazing discussions and because maybe I have a touch of the ‘tism on some things like this, I always want my Mount Rushmore rankings to mirror what the monument itself is supposed to represent. I love going balls deep into seemingly trivial stuff like this because I love good conversations. These don’t have to just be small talk discussion topics. They can be so much more illuminating. I like that word “illuminating.” Let’s illuminate, shall we? Good discussion with good folks is what it’s all about.
So, if we were to look at something like “Mount Rushmore of bands” and apply a Mount Rushmore template over it, I want to hear about:
- Birth: What was your favorite band that first made you interested in music?
- Expansion: Which band expanded your horizons about what music was capable of?
- Development: Which band helped you most develop into the person you are now?
- Preservation: Which band unified your musical tastes?
Here’s how I would answer the “Mount Rushmore of Bands” question if I were answering it the way we typically answer this question (aka my GOAT bands): Beatles, Beastie Boys, Wu-Tang Clan, and John Coltrane.
Great bands but boring answers, right? How we answer these questions should give us an avenue for discussion, instead of just being a listicle. What’s the fun in that?
Here’s how I’d answer that question with what I’m proposing:
- Birth: This is always such a tough one to answer, right? On the one hand, we all want to look and sound cool. But on the other hand, we were all 10 and 11 years old music listeners at some point. So, if we’re going to keep it solidly 100% real here, I’d have to say some dorky ass music like Weird Al Yankovic, or I could pull out my 1989 cassette tape copy of Michael Jackson’s Bad or something like that. Or, maybe it was a great recording of Sergie Prokofiev’s Peter and the Wolf (my favorite is the Sean Connery narrated version). If you answer with anything cool here, you’re being an asshole. SHOW US YOUR WARTS! I owned the C+C Music Factory album, fam.
- Expansion: I’ve always maintained that the Beatles were the Big Bang of popular music. They basically gathered the elements of so many genres together, combined it into a singularity of awesomeness, and then went out and changed … well, they changed almost literally everything. They certainly did that with me, too. They thoroughly expanded what I thought music could be in every possible way. They were fun, experimental, non-genre specific, and extremely heartfelt. No band has changed my life more than this band.
- Development: The Beastie Boys proved that an artist’s music could change alongside the artists making it. I loved how they shunned their bratty frat boy ways and became models for healthy masculinity, all while making ridiculously catchy music.
- Preservation: This might be the hardest one to answer, but it’d probably be someone like Bob Dylan, or someone like that. I’d put Willie Nelson, Otis Redding, Johnny Cash, and James Brown in this category. For me, this answer would be a band or artist that defies falling into a conventional genre or way of thinking. They’re not easy to pin down and are adored by people of every background.
See? Wouldn’t taking that approach make for a better discussion than just listing your favorite bands?
And it doesn’t have to just be birth, expansion, development, and preservation. Come up with your own criteria. You could do the negative approach. Give me the bands you hate but use that same criteria. Which band did you hate early in your life? Which band did you hate that everyone seemed to love? Which band did you hate but also kind of love? Which band would you erase the discography if you could?
Speaking of you could also talk about the 5th president of Mount Rushmore. You know, the one not up there. Ever since Mount Rushmore’s completion in 1941, there has been talk about what president (if any) should be the fifth addition to the sculpture? I think the obvious answer is Franklin Delano Roosevelt. He got us through the Great Depression and World War II. Big ol’ duh! Every president since then has had the case made for them by surrogates only to have that countered with an “over my dead body” by the opposing party.
So, in essence, that 5th spot is a controversial pick. Or that 5th pick is one that would be polarizing. So, add that to your list. What’s a band you really like but is somewhat polarizing?
- Polarizing: How would I answer this? *takes a deep breath* I’d probably put Michael Jackson on this list. I love his music. You love his music. We all listen to Thriller non-stop every Halloween. But he could often make it hard to be a fan. Remember that era when he was cosplaying as a dictator? That was weird, even as it was happening. And then there was all the other… stuff. Or maybe I could answer pre-MAGA Kanye West. Just typing that sentence makes me wince.
So, yeah. Next time you’re having a discussion with some folks, and someone pulls out the “Mount Rushmore” question, give it a shot. At worst, you’ll just be “that guy” who bogged down an otherwise breezy conversation with over analyzation. But maybe you’ll have a great discussion and learn something new about your friends.
By the way, now that I’m thinking more about Rick Rubin’s answers (Beatles, the Ramones, James Brown, and Kraftwerk), I think he’s probably more in line with what I’m trying to do here than how other people answer these questions. Good job, Rick. You passed the test.
An open and shut book 
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