Note: This trip has really worn me out. It’s been really fun but has also been extremely taxing. Not super proud of this piece but was kind of fun to come up with some of these. Too tired to really edit this so apologies for any typos or weird syntax. Anywho… enjoy.
I’ve been to Disney World or Disneyland probably eight or nine times over my life. That’s kind of a ridiculous statistic. I mean, I love Disney stuff, but do I love it enough to have gone eight or nine times over a forty-five year life span? That number is probably overly inflated by having family members live in close proximation to both parks (my long deceased step-Grandmother lived in Orange County, CA and my sister and her family live in Orland0 — close enough to practically walk to the parks). When there’s a family reunion in the works, Orlando always gets dropped as a “well that’d be easy” suggestion. I’m always down to get to the House of Mouse.
But that “eight or nine times” number is not even close to being accurate if you break it down into how many times on each trip we actually end up at the parks itself. Like… I count this trip I’m on now as “one trip,” but we’re spending five days at the parks (FIVE!!!!). So when I say I’ve been to Disney World/Land eight or nine times, I’m actually saying “I’ve been to Orlando or Anaheim eight or nine times.” But the actual number of days I’ve spent at the parks is probably closer to thirty days. Wait… *counts on my fingers and toes to make sure that’s right* Yeah, eight or nine times, probably averaging three trips per visit getting close to that thirty days number holy fucking shit what the fuuuuuucccccccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkkkk???????
Trying not to have a panic attack as I calculate the amount of bank I’ve spent at these parks, let alone all the trips I’ve wanted to have made but haven’t because we’re once again waiting in line for “It’s a Small World.” *takes a deep breath, breathes it out as a sigh*
Needless to say, I’ve become a little salty about the experience. The more you go to these parks, the less “magical” they seem. Even putting the word magical in quotes feels dickish and overly cynical. I’ve always been someone who enjoys the Disney “thing” and kind of lament that I can’t enjoy these parks as they’re intended or as I used to enjoy them. I’ve always been a fan of Disney movies (even the bad ones) and the fanfare around them. I know most of these songs frontwards and backwards. I love the iconography. I love how professional and on point everything is run at these parks. I’d even go so far as to say that I believe that there is a kind of “magic” that surrounds the Disney experience and that that magic is unique and should be both nurtured and even protected.
But this post ain’t that. This post is going to lean into the saltiness. This post is going to have some Nolan Ryan high and inside heat on it. The more you go to these parks, the more you start seeing the seams show. When I first started going to these parks, it wouldn’t be until day three or four where you’d start to kind of be “over it.” Now, it happens on hour four or five of day one. It’s pretty amazing how the stuff that can make Disney feel magical can quickly wear off and start to feel like a funhouse mirror version of a good time. The music you were just moments ago singing along to becomes inescapable and almost like a form of torture. The crowds… the heat… the lines… … the whatever… when you’ve hit that “over it” moment, you just want to be anywhere else but there.
So with that being said, going to let you all in on a little secret Bingo game I’ve started playing the last couple times I’ve been here. I don’t actually have a Bingo Card with all of this written down, but I always look for this stuff when I come here now:
“No, we’re not buying that”: This is the free space. If that line were a drinking game and you took a shot every time you heard it, we’d all be blackout drunk in 5 minutes. I’ve already said that line like 20 times today alone.
Parents ripping into their kids at the Happiest Place on Earth: Days at Disney Parks are long, tiring, expensive, and (if we’re being honest) emotionally manipulative. I know I probably shouldn’t find it funny and in any other setting I’d be recoiling in horror at this stuff, but few things more hilarious at Disney World than some kid melting down at while their parent simultaneously melts down a bit, too. It’s not a good look for the parents but I think most parents have all kind of been there before. So yeah, it’s fucking hilarious to see it happen all over the park at all times of the day. It’s a “yeah, I know exactly what’s happening” recognition laugh. I once saw this happen literally 5 minutes after walking through the gates at 9:00 in the morning. Gotta pace yourself, folks.
Someone reading a book at one of the exits while their family rides a ride: Otherwise known as “my people.” I do this because of an impenetrable motion sickness I’ve combatted my entire life, but I’ve always wondered if that’s why others do it, as well. Maybe, also like me, people on vacations are escaping from vacation reality a bit, too. What level of escape within an escape is that? I need Christopher Nolan to figure it all out. Regardless, checked that off the list yesterday when I looked out over the book I was reading to see a (probably) 16yo girl reading Sylvia Plath’s The Bell Jar outside the Aladdin Flying Carpets ride. There should be a Disney World book club for all us fellow nerds.
Been on a ride as it’s shut down: This happens so often, it should probably be a free space, too. Usually, it’s so brief and so blah that it ain’t no thing. You just gotta withstand hearing the same 2 or 3 bars of a song for a couple of minutes and then you’re on your way. But I remember one time it happened while we were on the Pirates of the Carribean ride and lasted for about 15 minutes during the “Yo-Ho Yo-Ho A Pirate’s Life for Me” song and I was practically crawling out of my skin with “get me the fuck off this ride” anxiety.
Awkward Character Interactions: Awkward character interactions fall into one of two categories; adorable or creepy as fuck. When a kid remarks at how Cinderella doesn’t look like Cinderella or when they remark at how Dopey’s mask feels like plastic; adorable. When it’s some dad getting flirty with Moana or some mom who has been drinking her away through EPCOT and is now flirting with Aladdin; creepy.
“Just Married” Ears: I’d rather be at a beach or on a mountain but I think it’s kind of hilarious and awesome that some people would rather be here. Different strokes…
Influencer’s Boyfriend/Girlfriend: A new addition to the Bingo Game. These ppl are easy to spot because they’re usually holding an iPhone while their influencer boyfriend/girlfriend spends an inordinate amount of time perfecting a pose in front of the castle or other heavily photographed areas of the park. They’re pretty easy to spot because they’re slightly too dressed up to be at one of these parks.
The “Holy Shit They’re Rich” Family: Super easy to spot the mega-rich at the parks. Their kids are usually decked out in Bibbidy-Boppity Boutique hairstyles and dresses, while carrying a ridiculous amount of expensive souvenirs.
“Holy shit does that guy have Nazi tattoos?” This is extremely rare to see but I’ve seen it a couple times. There’s always some dude with a full sleeve tattoo that has like a freaking swastika in it somewhere. Freaking blows my mind like WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS HAPPENING??? I guess racist skinhead fucks enjoy Mickey Mouse, too?!? Blows my freaking mind.
Someone telling you about how much better Universal Studios Is: One of these days I’ll have to go see firsthand for myself (I’ve only been to Universal Studios in California), but it always cracks me up when you’re at the parks and someone is repping the other parks. Has a real Stones vs Beatles vibe.
The Disney Experts: Disney experts crack me up. These are the people who have the My Disney Experience app working overtime and can tell you the wait time at any given ride at any given time. “Only 20 minute wait at the Peter Pan ride. Let’s book it across the park to get there.” These people always end up with 30,000 steps at the end of the day.
Carrying a sleeping kid, bonus points if the kid is in costume: Another super easy one. You see it happen all. the. time. Always adorable. It’s an extremely grueling task, though. It’s not like you can just set the kid down anywhere. If the kid is alseep and you’re carrying said kid, you’re going to regret not having lived at the gym the previous month. Talk about isometric exercises…
Getting a character to break character: This is extremely hard to do. I almost pulled it off on the cruise. We were getting a picture with Rapunzel and we were all messed up on where to stand. I made a “we’re getting Tangled here” pun and I could tell the actress who played Rapunzel contemplated laughing but easily brushed it off. Those people are pros, man.
Dance team/high school band/sports team: I was never on a high school team that did the Disney thing, but I love seeing these teams all over the parks. All my bands went to AstroWorld or even 6-Flags in Dallas. Can you even imagine going to Disney World with your high school boyfriends or girlfriends? That’s probably why they installed cameras on the Haunted Mansion ride.
Those Disney Adults: You know the ones… You know the ones who are way way waaaaaaaaaaay too into Disney.
“Funny” Disney shirts that are stupidly gendered: Few things more annoying and tacky to me than a stupidly gendered Disney shirt. Saw one that other day that had “Spoiled” written on it (worn by a woman) and “Broke” written on it (worn by a man). Fucking gross. Hate that shit. Then there’s the famous one that kind of made Disney change their dress code that had “I wanted the D” (with the D written in that famous Disney typography — worn by a woman) and “I gave her the D” (worn by a man). I mean, the “D” being the Disney font D is kind of funny, but I can’t even imagine… Anywho…
Proposal: In all my time going to these parks, this Bingo spot is still unchecked.
Couples having the biggest fight you’ve ever seen: Always so awkward when you see some couple in the late stages of their time together and know that this trip might be it for them. This is pretty rare but man oh man… when it happens pull up a seat and chomp down on some of that overpriced Disney popcorn.
Disney stuff that hasn’t aged well: They’ve gotten pretty good at removing most of this stuff, but you still see the occasional headdress somewhere or some character on the “It’s a Small Ride” that makes you wince a little when you see it.
Spotting a kid who is very obviously too sick to be at the park: Look, I get it. You’ve had this trip on your calendar for months. You’ve paid deposits and made all kinds of reservations, sometimes to the tune of several hundreds of dollars. Your kid starts coughing and or spikes a small fever. What do you do? My sympathies for these parents. But they’re always so easy to spot. I don’t know if Covid19 made me more hyper-aware of people’s coughing (likely) or if half the people here really are sick, but it feels like it’ll be a minor miracle if I make it through both the cruise and the park without getting sick myself. So. Much. Coughing.
The Disney kid smile: Gonna end this list with a positive one… look… if you’re anywhere from 5-10 years old and you’re meeting a character that to you has only existed as a character in a movie you’ve watched an ungodly amount of times, you’re going to be beaming from ear to ear. Those are the good moments and probably the moments that keep us coming back over and over and over again. It’s the best part of these parks. I had those moments as a kid. I saw my kids have those moments. And even though I can be kind of jaded about the whole experience now, it’s fun seeing them happen all… freaking… day. I may be cynical but I’m not that cynical as to not enjoy that stuff.
That’s all I have for now, but would love to see yours in the comments below.
An open and shut book 
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