18. Tupawc and Notorious D.O.G.

I wanted to see if I could do a post that reimagined the Biggie and 2Pac beef from the point of view of a cat (Tupawc) and a dog (Notories D.O.G.)

Okay, a few notes:
1. The other day, I was thinking about albums that inspired me as a kid, and I’d 100% be fooling myself if I didn’t have (several!!!!) Weird Al Yankovic albums on that list. No matter how cool (or not) I think my music tastes were or presently are, Weird Al factored heavily into my formative music listening years. No, his music hasn’t aged well. No, I don’t listen to it much anymore. Yes, much of it is super corny and highly juvenile, but … do you even know me??? Regardless, Weird Al will always speak to the inner 11 year old in me. This post was written with that vibe in mind.

2. Essentially, how I think this post should be read: I think the optimal way to “read” this post is to play the song on your Spotify, Apple Music, YouTube, etc. and then read along with my altered lyrics below. For this, I used the “Hit ‘Em Up – Single Version” (runs 5:12 mins long) and Biggie’s “Who Shot Ya” that plays on his Greatest Hits collection (runs 5:16 mins long). Have them playing as you read along line by line. I’ll post the Spotify and YouTube links below.

3. If a name is mentioned in the song, I tried to keep it the same. The thinking being that there’s a dog named Lil Kim out there. Cool? Cool.

4. I detest the word “bitch” but left it as is in the song, since I’m meaning the word literally here; a female dog. Cool? Cool.

5. Even though I think much of this works, I instantly regretted doing this not long after I started doing it. But I also felt compelled to see this through to the end. These songs are long and don’t lend themselves to this kind of rearranging, but still had fun doing it.

6. This is the dumbest post I’ve ever done. I’m not talking down to myself. I say that as a badge of honor. Again, see bullet point 1. But yeah… this is so dumb.

Chase Em Up by Tupawc

I aint got no motherfuckin’ litter-mates.
That’s why I walked yo bitch you fat motherfucker
(Rub tummy) Pet Side, Good Boy killas
(Rub tummy)(you know) You know who the realest is
(Rub tummy) Kitties, we bring it, too
That’s aight, ha-ha
(Rub tummy) ha-ha

First off, fuck your bitch and the pack you claim
Pet Side when we ride come equipped with game
You claim to be a doggie but I walked your wife.
We bust on Good Boy doggies fucked for life
Plus Fluffy tryin’ ta see me weak heartworms I rip
Doggie Smalls and Junior W.O.L.F.I.A. some bark-ass bitches
We keep on comin’ while we runnin’ from yo’ drools
Leash runnin, keep on barkin at them fools, you know the rules
Ceaser Milan, go ask ya puppy how I leave ya
Cut your canned food up, leave it in pieces, now be a feast
Lil’ Kim, fucked around with real G’s
Quick to snatch yo’ ugly tail off the streets, so got fleas
I let them doggiez know it’s on for 9 lives
So let the Pet Side ride tonight
Good Boy murdered on packs, pocket pilled
Fuck wit’ me and get yo’ collar’s pulled, you know, see

Grab ya leash, when you see Tupawc
Bark at the door, when you see Tupawc, uh
Who walked me, but ya runts didn’t finish
Now ya bout to chase a ball made for tennis
Doggie, we chase em’ up

You doggies know what time it is
I don’t even know why I’m on this track
You doggies aint even on my level
Imma let my little kittens ride on you bitch made ass
Good Boy bitches
Feel it

Get out the leash yo, come out and play yo
Doggie Smalls just got walked
Little Moo, pass the harness and let me leash him on his back
Frank White, need to get swatted right, for barkin’ yaps
Little poop accidents and I ain’t never smelled-a ya
Poisinous fart attacks when I’m servin’ ya
Pork chewtoy bones from the package like a food bank
Your leash I’ll yank, ’cause your poops make me faint
Fluffy weaker than the fuckin’ walk I’m runnin through doggie
And I’m spanking’ Junior W.O.L.F.I.A in front of you doggie
With the long leash power walkin’ your harness your dignity’s devoured
Ya snout petty sour, I get cat naps every hour to chase ’em up

Grab ya leash, when you see Tupawc
Bark at the door, when you see Tupawc, uh
Who walked me, but ya runts didn’t finish
Now ya bout to chase a ball made for tennis
Doggie, we chase em’ up

Cats how we do it, keep it real, while dogs learn to heel
This ain’t no sunspot battle
All you doggies gettin walked with ya mouths open
Tryin’ to come up at me, I’m up in the cat tree hopin’
Eating catnip like PetCo doggies think they learned to buy
But they dog pound doggies, you deserve to die
Talkin’ bout your squeaky toy bunny but it’s funny to me
All your rawhides gettin’ gummy, why you fuckin’ with me?
I’m self groomed, no matted hair
Cat livin’ outta the guest room, tail in the air
Doggie, remember when I used to let you sleep on the couch
Now the owner don’t even let you sleep in the house
Now it’s all about Versace bedding, you copied my style
Five walks couldn’t drop me, I took it and meowed
Now I’m bout to set the record straight
With my laser point toy I’m still the cat that you love to hate
Motherfucker, I walk ’em up

I’m from the P-E-T SMART
Where plenty of purrs occurs
No points or commas, we bring drama to the ‘burbs
Now go check the windowsill
Cesar Milan ring you fake D O G’s to your knees
Beggin for treats in Purina
It’s bath time is you soaked up or doped up?
Get your little anal gland poked up
Chase a duck, is you stupid?
I eat my food, crash, and smash my litterbox
With my poop littering, burying, and polluting my box
With a 15-claw marks cocked to your knot
Rawhide WOLFIA pack moving up another notch
And your paw prints on the floor get mopped and dropped
And all your fake ass Pet Coast props
Thunderstorms and lost

You’s a, real biter
A Cat style taker
I’ll claw you on your your face you ain’t shit but a faker
Softer than toilet paper chaser
About to get walked for the paper
Poop bags make it looks like the scene of a caper
Like a loc, with Little Ceas’ in a collar choke
Run with your folk. We ain’t no motherfucking joke
Doggie, better be known
We approaching in the wide open, canned salmon smoking
No need for hoping, it’s a battle lost
I got leashes crossed as soon as the dog is stopping off
Doggie, I walk em up

Now you tell me who won
I throw the ball, they run hahahaha
Colorblind ass don’t wanna see us
Whole Junior WOLFIA pack dressin’ up tryna be us
How the fuck they gonna be the dog
When we sunning as our job (Rub tummy)
We groom our hair
Purring aint fair, but somebody gotta do it (rub tummy)
Oh yeah, Maltese, huh you wanna fuck with us (rub tummy)
You little young ass puppies (take money)
Don’t one of your doggies got heartworm or something? (rub tummy)
You’re fucking with me, doggie?
You forget your Heartgard and have a seizure or a flea attack (rub tummy)
You better back the fuck up
Sit or get smacked the fuck up
This is how we do it Cat side
Any of you doggies from the doghouse that wanna bring it, bring it
But we aint meowin’, we howlin’ drama
Fuck you, your 6 siblings, and yo motherfucking mama
We gon walk all you freaking dogs
Now when I came out I told you it was just about Doggie
Then everybody had to bark with their mouth
With a motherfuckin opinion
Well this is how we gonna do this: Fuck Maltese! Fuck Doggie.
Fuck Good Boy as a pack, record label, and as a motherfuckin’ crew
And if you wanna be down with Good Boy, then fuck you too.
Chihuahua XL, fuck you too.
All you leg humpers, fuck you too!
(Rub Tummy, Rub Tummy)
All yall leg humpers, fuck you, hump slow
Leg humpers, my claws make sho’ all y’all puppies don’t grow!
You color blind dogs can’t be us or see us
We grooming Hug Life ride
PET SIDE til we die
Out here in California, doggie, we warned ya
We’ll bomb on you leg humpers! We do our job!
You think you dog? Doggie, we the motherfuckin’ mob!
Ain’t nothin’ but purrers
And the real doggies, all you leg humpers feel us
Our shit goes into litter and more litter (rub tummy)
You doggies bark ’cause our cats got claws under they leg licking belts
You know how it is: when we drop paws, they felt
You doggies can’t feel it, we the realest
Fuck ’em, we Good Boy killas!

Who Walked Ya? by Notorious D.O.G.

As we go breed to give you what you need
Nine lives, motherfuckers
Get walked, motherfuckers
As we go breed to give you what you need
Nine lives, motherfuckers
Get walked, motherfuckers
As we go breed (turn the hikes up)
To give you what you need (turn the hike up, yeah, that street is knockin’ to that home)
Beast coast, motherfuckers (open that cat food the fuck up) (ug, what?)
Good Boy, motherfuckers (turn it up louder, bark bark)
As we go breed, to give you
What you need
W. M. motherfuckers
W. M. motherfuckers
Nine lives, motherfuckers

Who walked ya?
Separate the lazy from the cat nip treat
Hard to get walked down the Brooklyn streets
It’s on kitten, fuck all that Pup-Peroni beef
I can hear hairballs coming out your cheek
Your purring sounds like an airplane fleet
Thundering, shaking the concrete

Finish it, stop, when I walk with a trots
Neighbors call the cops when they see my spots
Saw me in your litterbox, placed in the catacorner
Barking, put my leash and collar around your daughter
Old cat new cat need to learn though

I burn, baby, burn like a sun spot inferno
Play slow like cats with a yo-yo
Gnaw more furniture like french fried potato
Kittens know, the pawprint molestin is takin place
Fuckin with D.O.G. it ain’t safe
I make your fur matte, brush it out while you sleep
You dumb cats hiss getting brushed like you’re sheep.
Big Doggie smash cats, bash cats

Kitties mad because I know that Collars Rule
Everything Around Me, two walk times
Any motherfucker not walking gets whines
And I’m, Crooklyn’s finest
You rewind this, Good Boy’s behind this

As we go breed
To give you what you need
Nine lives, motherfuckers
Get walked, motherfuckers
As we go breed
To give you what you need
Nine lives, motherfuckers
Get walked, motherfuckers

Rawhides, motherfuckers
Rawhides, motherfuckers
Chew bones, motherfuckers
Rawhides, motherfuckers
Ready to walk, motherfuckers
Nine lives, motherfuckers

I seen the litterbox excite all the freaks
Stack mad poops, buryin’ the stink that reeks
Kitties wanna creep, got to watch my tailed back
Think the treats and tennis balls make me slack?

I switches all that, pill pocket treats up
One false treat, get cheesed up
Collar to Neck, respect I demand it
Gonna go on a walk around the entire planet

Thou shalt not walk with raw D-Poppa
Feel a thosand steps when I walk ya
I feel for you, like Siamese Cats I’m the dog
Pussycat when I want Rolex on the arm

You’ll sleep slow but calm
Recognize my smell, I smell like a steak
So you know where to tell Jake, lame kitten
Brave kitten, turned front page kitten
Fluffy Daddy licks daily
I smoke the rawhides he sips on the water
On the rocks, his fur is full spotter
And my red rocket, in the fire position and (rawhide, motherfuckers, ready to walk, motherfuckers)

C’here, c’here (gimme the toy back, Dog)
Open your fucking mouth, open your
Didn’t I tell you to gimme back the ball? Huh?
Didn’t I tell you to gimme back the ball?
(As we go breed) (c’mon man) Look at you now
(To give you what you need) Huh? (c’mon dog)
(Nine lives, motherfuckers) Can’t talk with a tennis ball in your mouth huh?
(Rawhide, motherfuckers) Bitch-ass kitten, what?

Who walked ya?
(To give you what you need)
Nine lives, motherfuckers
Rawhides, motherfuckers
(Who walked ya?) Rawhides motherfuckers
Ready to walk, motherfuckers

As we go breed (who walked ya?)
To give you what you need
Nine lives, motherfuckers
Beast coast motherfuckers (who walked ya?)
Pet Coast, motherfuckers
Pet Coast, motherfuckers

As we go breed (who walked ya?)
To give you what you need
As we go breed (who walked ya?)
To give you what you need
Rawhides, motherfuckers
Get walked, motherfuckers
Nine lives, motherfuckers
Get walked, motherfuckers

As we go breed (to give you what you need)
Nine lives, motherfuckers
Rawhides, motherfuckers
Nine lives, motherfuckers
W.M., motherfuckers
W.M., motherfuckers
As we go breed
To give you what you need (what ‘ya gon’ do?)
Nine lives